In an instant—my “barriers” came down.
I booked the ticket and couldn’t think of anything else but go see him. Family weekend was in a few weeks but he needed me sooner so I didn’t even think twice. It had been just shy of seven weeks since we dropped our son off to college and I had done a great job at protecting my heart best I could keeping busy with work, gym, etc. I don’t think I realized that I had been holding it together as much as I had until I saw his face and hugged him in person. It’s like I melted. Literally. If you could picture a time-lapse of an ice cream going from ‘sort of frozen’ to ‘melty mess’ that was me. We packed it all in… the endless talks, the walks, the good food (anything that’s not Nilla wafers or ramen), the grocery and laundry runs… every minute was full. Being a part of his thriving college life was the most incredible experience and as a mom, such a feeling of accomplishment. You did it mom and now HE is doing it!
But this is not about that. I told you I was going to be honest about this whole experience so I am. Holy sh*t I was not prepared for the first visit being harder than the actual drop off. Umm nobody warned me. Of course I’m happy for him and wow this place is the perfect fit (Charleston are you kidding me?), don’t get me wrong. But I think it was the first time it really dawned on me that he is officially grown up. That unshakable feeling of letting go. We say we are proud of the gentlemen our sons grow into and this could not be more true. That pride though runs deep and has taken my breath away – it’s core crushing. My first born, my baby.
So here’s the thing friends – I shared with you the drop off, I checked in with you after the first month, and now I write you from the airplane after the first visit (trying not to scare the person sitting next to me with tears streaming down my face). I am happy! It is not because we cry that we are sad. I am feeling all the emotions and that is what I have learned to consider healthy! I am the luckiest mom to two healthy boys and I am grateful to have this career I have built and love. My husband and I are each other’s rocks and our family is as close as it’s ever been (pets included). As much as distance is hard, we can do hard things! Hard does not need to mean bad. And honestly I could live next door and spend every minute with my boys and still miss them at the end of the day. Love wins. Love is overwhelmingly beautiful. And that feeling of pure unconditional love is my best accomplishment in life.
xo, gaelle
